Who's the Author, Anyway?
by Sciens Mulier
Summary: A Fanfiction Author is visited by the good Fanfiction conscience and is plagued by the fanfiction demon...Hermione's kissing Draco and Cho's talking to dementors! What's a writer to do? HG, RHr
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine :)**

**When Fanfiction Falls Apart**

Harry lay down by the lake, listening to the Whomping Willow rustle its branches in the distance. It was a peaceful day, and he could hardly wait to take advantage of it. Hermione had stolen Ron away somewhere, presumably to study (though Harry rather suspected that studying was far from Ron's mind), and Harry was alone.

Ah, peace.

No yelling, no sniffing or "hmph"-ing or any other such argumentative drivel.

He closed his eyes, willing for a moment to forget about Voldemort and all of the wizarding world as he stretched out for a cat nap.

Suddenly, a few feet away, some Dementors apparated with a _pop_ onto Hogwarts grounds. Harry started, and crawled quickly behind a nearby boulder--

_You can't do that._

What? Who is this?

_It doesn't matter who I am. I'm right, and you know it._

Hermione?

_Yes, of course!_

Where...?

_To your right._

GAH! What are you doing on my shoulder?

_Isn't it obvious? I'm your fanfiction conscience. I'm here to help you through your moral fanfiction dilemmas._

I'm not having dilemmas.

_Yes you are. Honestly, how many times do I have to reiterate? Look in any story online, you'll almost always be reminded that you _can't apparate_ onto Hogwarts schoolgrounds._

Now look here, who's the author, and who's the character?

_It's not sporting._

No?

_It's not fair to Harry, either. _

I suppose not.

_And he, poor boy, has enough on his plate as it is._

That's true...and you raise a very good point.

_Oh, no, you're...why, you're smirking! Tell me, what are you thinking of?_

Well, I'm thinking that you shouldn't be here.

_I shouldn't be here, on your shoulder? Why not? You don't have dandruff, do you?_

No! No, you shouldn't be here because--well--it's the Real World.

_What are you talking about? I exist in the Real World!_

Well, yes...as a literary figure, you do...

_Regardless, I'm here. Like magic._

Oh, haha. How punny.

_Please, don't insult me...I leave the puns for Ron and Harry. Ergh, but they think they're funny...oh!_

What?

_You distracted me! Come now, what are you thinking of doing to poor Harry? I see the wheels in your head turning..._

Fine, fine, although I think Harry will be quite happy at the end of _this. _Look:

Harry was laying on the ground, absorbing the rays of the sun, when along came Cho Chang, her black hair glistening in the sun.

"Harry," she said. He opened his eyes.

"Yes?"

"I love you. Forget Michael Corner."

"Oh, Cho! I can't believe you finally came to your--"

_ENOUGH! Leave Cho out of this._

You don't like it? But I thought with all his problems, he would love some female companionship...

_And he may very well like it. But first of all, the Dementors are just hanging in space, waiting for Cho to go by..._

Scratch the Dementors, there are _no_ Dementors...

_And secondly, can't you do better than Cho?_

Are you trying to tell me something?

_Only that he was over her in the Goblet of Fire. He's moved on. _

Wait--don't tell me--YOU--

_No, no--I prefer--erm--ginger-haired gits. The dumb kind, you know?_

Oh, I see. Good to know.

_**Ginger-haired gits is right. Odd you like them so dumb, Granger.**_

_What are you doing here, Malfoy?_

Yes, what _are_ you doing here?

_**Someone has to help you do the things you want. I'm your fanfiction demon.**_

_Demon is right._

_**What was that, Granger?**_

_I'll slap you again, don't think I won't!_

Please don't argue, guys, it makes it really hard to think...

_Sorry._

_**You're such a goody-goody, Granger.**_

Erm...you know, I really don't think I need a, uh--what did you call yourself?

_**A Fanfiction Demon.**_

_And you're proud of that, are you?_

Before you start fighting...again...I don't think I need a fanfiction demon, as you call yourself...

_Yeah, you hear that? So shove off, Malfoy._

_**Listen to your own advice, Granger. Now, you really do want me around. **_

Why?

_**I can help you give Potter there anyone he wants. I can help you do whatever you want. I'll help you think of great ideas no one talks about--**_

_Because they're incorrect and totally off-basis, according to canon--_

_**Shut it, you--**_

QUIET! Look, Draco, what if you don't know what Harry needs, either?

**_More the better. Ha ha ha, I can mess with his life, be in control of him. Err, that is, not, of course, that I'd _want _to harm him..._**

_Right._

_**You need a good snog, Granger. **_

_Are you offering?_

_**If the price is right...**_

_Well, it's not exactly canon...but then, neither are we._

Wait--what about Ron?

_Maybe he'll come to his senses. Eventually. In the meantime, I'll take fanon!Draco and--_

Do you realize that you spoke an exclamation mark? How'd you do that?

_I'm magic. Now, if you'll excuse me..._

**Hey. What about me?**

Harry? What are you doing here? Wait--you want to snog Hermione too?

**No, but I'm getting tired of waiting for something to happen. And Cho started to bawl to the Dementors...**

I'm sorry I left you hanging like that.

**That's alright, but if we're done, mind if I go off?**

I suppose...I don't think I'll need you for awhile...

**If you need me, I'll be with Ginny Weasley. I saw her before this story started...**

This story which is going nowhere...

Hello?

Great, I'm all alone...and I'm still talking to myself...

_"HERMIONE!"_

Cue Ron...

_Oh, get off me, get--RON!_

_"Get, Malfoy, you--"_

_**Don't threaten me, Weasley, or I'll--**_

_**----**_

_You shouldn't have hit him, Ronald Weasley! And you need to watch your language! Just wait till I tell your mother--_

_"Snog me, not him!"_

_Oh Ron!_

Oi...

**"Hey, lady, we've got an appointment at three, and--"**

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**"Be quiet, Jules, you've upset her. Now dear, may I help you?"**

You're...you're...

**"Oh, I see, just because we're dementors--"**

**"Jules!"**

**"Anyway, we can be back for your story at five, if you schedule us now. Otherwise, we're needed by other fanfiction writers. Even if you _are_ prejudiced against dementors, _we're_ above that sort of thing..."**

Umm...sorry?

**"So do you want us back?"**

No...no, never mind.

**"Right then, let's go, Jules. That Cho girl made us late."**

**"But she needed a shoulder to cry on, Les."**

I think...

Am I...

Okay, now I'm alone. I'll restart:

The author shook her head in despair, patted her crumple-horned Snorcack, and sighed, repeating her mantra. "_I'm_ the fanfiction writer..._I'm_ the fanfiction writer...I will not let them take over my life..."

**Finis**

**A/N--edited to make more sense. This is pre-HBP, but I may put up a second chapter that is post-HBP. I had not intended to do so, but thanks to one of my reviewers, I started to think up something else.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N--Half-Blood Prince Spoilers. Please don't spoil yourself!**

**--Written because a luff-ly reviewer asked me to update. (SaSush33, thanks for the push of inspiration!)**

**Dedicated to those reviewers who pause over my work and deem it okay enough to leave a note.**

**Just a reminder...Regular text is the author (me), italicized is Hermione, bold/italicized is Draco, Bold is Harry, italicized with "" is Ron, Bold with "" was the dementors in the last chapter, and may change in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer--Not mine! Neither is Harry's line (taken from the book and movie "The Princess Bride": Harry's line. "Hello; my name is...die"), nor Snape's (I...am...your)**

_**Harry Potter and the Wisdom Teeth of Doom**_

_**  
**_

_Oh no, not you._

Oh no, not _you_.

_What are you doing back?_

I could ask you the same thing, Hermione. Aren't you awfully busy this time of season?

_Sure, Half-Blood Prince came out. That doesn't mean I can't pop in here and there to help you out in your mundane world of drivel, is it? I mean, honestly...look at that title._

I wasn't about to write drivel, Hermione. I wanted to write something about--

_I know. Remus and Tonks. The whole world is jumping on THAT bandwagon._

No, I wanted to--

_Fleur and Bill, right?_

No, I--

_Look, my nerves are stretched as it is! Since the Half-Blood Prince came out, it's all people can do...argue over who is actually who. Honestly, it's all that woman's fault! So many people need my services, now. Since J.K. Rowling's let the world know which 'ships she supports..._

Wait a sec--did you say "'ships"?

_Well, I...I suppose I did._

That is not canon-talk.

Hermione?

_I don't know what you're driving at._

You've been spending your time on the muggle internet, haven't you?

_I don't see how that's any of your business._

You and your talk of canon! You're leading some sort of secret double-agent life, aren't you? Canon by day, Fanon by night...You live some violentley passionate, dangerous side-life! I think you even _like_ fanon! Confess, why don't you?

_**You can't possibly be discussing the Mudblood. She's as dull as a stack of newspapers.**_

_Don't call me that, Malfoy. Besides...you certainly didn't entertain that thought in the last chapter._

_**You don't know what I'm thinking, Granger.**_

You did give her quite the snog. It was a big embarrassing.

_Yes, and look where it got us and this story? Out of canon, completely. Our relationship, Draco--it doesn't exist! Great ghosts, you're even more complex in this latest novel...I don't know your character anymore! For all I know, you are secretly in love with me, after all! Before it was a joke, a throw-away...now you are complex and real, afraid to be evil and afraid to be good, even afraid to be afraid...we don't know if you're nice or not! What did she do to you?_

_**She?**_

She?

_Jo. Jo Rowling. I'm a mess, I'm a...never mind. Look, just right your little story about Tonks and Bill and Fleur and Lupin...I mean..._

You said right, not write.

_You can't tell if I said right._

I can tell.

_No you can't._

_And so what if I did?_

_**I think Granger's falling apart! This is scintillating...when does the fic begin?**_

Don't you think it has?

_**I want to see Potter's wisdom teeth out. Pain, suffering, anguish--**_

Well, at least you know who the story was meant to be about. Harry and Ginny. sigh

**Okay, I have to fight Voldemort--do I really care about my wisdom teeth? No! It's an extra pain I can do without!**

_**Precious Potter...**_

**Shut it, Malfoy.**

But don't they hurt? I mean, I've never heard of you losing your wisdom teeth in a story, so I thought I might actually be original this time...

**"You pathetic, spineless excuse of a fanfic author."**

Hello, Snape. Can this GET any worse?

**You thought you'd be original? And so you consulted Potter's Dental records? And stop sniggering, Draco."**

_**Sorry.**_

You know, considering in the last chapter you were the proud DEMON of fanfiction...

_**Sniff... can't a fella change?**_

You said fella. That's wrong. Just...wrong.

**SNAPE!**

And, enter Harry Potter...

**Hello; my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father (and mother). Prepare to die.**

**"Excuse me while I sneer in disgust."**

Break it up, you two. Harry--time out."

**Do I still need my Wisdom teeth out?**

**"My, we ARE whiny today..."**

Shut it, Snape. Look, Harry, I see Ginny!"

**Where? Where? I mean...Do you? We broke up, you know. **

_**Go get her, boy! **_

**"...I am suddenly saddened by the vow I took to save your life."**

_**Can I blame it on my father?**_

**"No, Draco. I am your...oh, forget it."**

_aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh(hhhhhhhh)!_

Er. Okay. While Hermione is mildly psychotic and running from room to room, I have a question.

**"Shoot, oh mindless one."**

You know, I could off you in a fanfic.

**"Very well. What is it you wish to know?"**

ARE you evil?

**"Oh, yes, let me tell you EVERY detail of Rowling's plot. Then you'd be happy."**

You're quite...snarky.

**"I try."**

_**Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night...**_

**"Shut it."**

Do you people ever leave?

**"Excuse me while I smirk..."**

_"HERMIONE!"_

_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--_

_mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm_

It's handy Ron was standing there, really. I didn't think I could take much more of the running and screaming.

**"You think this is preferable? You really are disgusting me..."**

And I'm stuck with the evil ones.

_**Maybe if I--**_

No more, no more, no more, no more...

**"That's the first sensible thing I've heard all day."**

Sigh.


End file.
